I've just been looking back at some photos over the year from March of Shadow, and it's reminded me how much we've both changed over the year, and I'm smiling on the verge of tears as I write this ( through happiness of course).
Most weeks, and most days, I think about my old pony Shayden and the life I lived before I met Shadow.
I had some of the best opportunities that anyone could ask for. Brilliant mentors, facilities and I messed it up, it's something I'm pretty good at.
I used to feel sorry for myself- I used to think that I didn't deserve the bad karma I was getting and would cry most nights about how fucked up everything was, but something changed and I have only really just realised it. Something 'clicked' ( teehee, do you get it!) and it suddenly felt okay.
I have said it in the past- that I've spent a lot of time comparing Shadow to Shayden and the more I think about it; the more I think- what an idiot- how arrogant of me and more so to the point- how unfair on Shadow? I've spent so much time being blinkered to so many things, my own wall of idiocy has prevented me from seeing so much.
The clicker has been marvelous- and whilst I'm still working bits out, working with my timing and accuracy- I am enjoying the work done with it. Not only has it developed Shadow's confidence, his happiness and his maturity, it's helped me to develop an inquisitive and creative mind. To become a little more adventurous, to delve into things which I wouldn't before. My lunch times in the library consists of printing off articles in journals- some which are a little out my depth, but I'll get there.
It's Christmas in a weeks time, and 2010 will soon be over. Sometimes; I think that I would of had Shadow a year in March and I'm sure there are so many people out there who are mocking me behind my back, that he's not ''progressing'' like some. He's not out doing things other youngsters are doing; sometimes I feel a little left out, sometimes I feel I'm doing it all wrong- but then I think a little bit harder about the situation we are in and remember 'I have time, we have time'- life would be boring for us if we had it all worked out in 3 weeks- if we crammed it all in last minute instead of slowly digesting it all. It means; our life isn't full of reoccuring problems from the past- but full of new challenges each day we work. Life is all about discovering who we are; and I think the biggest part of who I am, is the wee black and white pony I call Shadow. He's not just a horse; he's a friend, he's funny and he's a reflection of me at times. He's not the world's most 'talented' horse, he's not everyones cup of tea and I'm the same! But he's perfect to me.
For Christmas; I have asked for some more books to add to my ever expanding collection ( should of asked for a new bookshelf really)... one in particular I've asked for, is one which I've wanted for a long time but not had the opportunity to get and so I can't wait to get it ( I know I got it because Amazon sent me an email oops- sorry Grandad!), and I was reading a few different synopsis's of the book online earlier.
Classical Training is something which fascinates me, inspires me and where my passion lies- it's also something that I'm not very good at! I know the theory pretty well- I could write essays and essays on it, I could critique people and tell them how to correct it and suggest ways- but I'm unfortunate to have a hollow back, a fat ass and I don't ride often enough to be 'great'. But; nevertheless- I can only get better by always trying and Anja's passion for Classical will hopefully be transferred into her writing and hopefully will help me a little more. I love reading and trying to apply it to my work, it's helped me a lot- but I feel something is still missing. Clicker definitely filled a huge part of my emptiness and has become something which will be incorporated into our work.
It may not be interesting; we may not have much to show for ourselves and we aren't going to be the type to be cliche and do what everyone else does. We're different and I'm beginning to accept that- Shadow accepted it a long time ago, but I didn't accept myself, I'm different and I have a lot of people to thank for that- past and present. Who have shaped my mind and shaped it out to a point where I don't want to turn back- I don't want to give up.
Who knows where on Earth I will end up, but I hope to god, it will always, always be with Shadow.
I too went through a period of comparing Star with the horse I wanted her to be. I wanted a safe, sensible plod, and went and got her. For ages I felt she was the "wrong" horse, wondered why she couldn't manage the simplest of things. None of it her fault, just me projecting my expectations onto her.
ReplyDeleteEventually I realised she may not have been the horse I originally wanted, but she was the horse I needed to have. Without her being the way she was I would never have learned so much, found clicker or be where I am in terms of my thinking :)
You're doing a great job with Shadow and I hope you continue to go from strength to strength in 2011 :)
Thanks Em, there is suddenly a moment when you realize how great they really are, don't you!
ReplyDeleteI'm so happy with Shadow and think he's just right for me.
Amy xx