Things are starting to hit home recently, and whilst I've opened up to my emotions and my inner thoughts a lot more than normal, I'm equally feeling like I'm crumbling inside.
Shadow is a very special pony to me, and I think this is it. There was never any pressure to get the job done, I did it at my own accord, on my own account and things went well. I came home happy, smiling and looking forward to the next weekend. If I had been able to have him here near me, who knows what we could of done.
Obviously situations and people change, it's unforeseeable and I'm not very good with change, I don't like change, I can't adapt to it well- I just pretend I can. I've had to adapt to the change and through it met a beautiful mare who I really DO like. I suppose I do love her and care a lot about her; I feel my hands are tied in more than one way than another. I'm at a yard where I am 'having fun', but not happy. I don't enjoy being there because I feel pressurised to join in, and then I feel I need to ride the mare and meet the guidelines. It's these little things which are really starting to make me worry about what will happen in the future. Whether I genuinely DO need a break from horses or whether I should make the situation work, and just remember my principals which stuck by me even when I wanted to give up with Shadow. For some reason, I am just giving up now.
It's times like this when I could go and see the piebald pony and he'd sit there and listen. He'd wait around and we'd do it at our own pace and not meet the deadlines. We didn't care about being the 'best' or going to a show, or even riding. We just seized the day- carpe diem.
I think we all go through this in life. We don't really know what direction we're taking, we suddenly begin to have to grow up. I start 6th form in two weeks time, and I'm worried about ti. I'm worried about failure in all aspects of life and I'm scared. My fear is becoming rage, and I don't know what's happening to me right now. I feel like I'm living a big lie, I feel over emotional. Gone are the days of having fun. Suddenly everything is so daunting.
I'd give anything, and I mean anything, to be sitting with Shadow right here, right now and talking things through. Just to be comforted by the simple fact that I can enjoy life knowing that I have this amazing little pony by my side. No major issues, no major guidelines or deadlines. Just bumbling along at our own speed.
