Carpe Diem

Things are starting to hit home recently, and whilst I've opened up to my emotions and my inner thoughts a lot more than normal, I'm equally feeling like I'm crumbling inside.

Shadow is a very special pony to me, and I think this is it. There was never any pressure to get the job done, I did it at my own accord, on my own account and things went well. I came home happy, smiling and looking forward to the next weekend. If I had been able to have him here near me, who knows what we could of done.

Obviously situations and people change, it's unforeseeable and I'm not very good with change, I don't like change, I can't adapt to it well- I just pretend I can. I've had to adapt to the change and through it met a beautiful mare who I really DO like. I suppose I do love her and care a lot about her; I feel my hands are tied in more than one way than another. I'm at a yard where I am 'having fun', but not happy. I don't enjoy being there because I feel pressurised to join in, and then I feel I need to ride the mare and meet the guidelines. It's these little things which are really starting to make me worry about what will happen in the future. Whether I genuinely DO need a break from horses or whether I should make the situation work, and just remember my principals which stuck by me even when I wanted to give up with Shadow. For some reason, I am just giving up now.


It's times like this when I could go and see the piebald pony and he'd sit there and listen. He'd wait around and we'd do it at our own pace and not meet the deadlines. We didn't care about being the 'best' or going to a show, or even riding. We just seized the day- carpe diem.


I think we all go through this in life. We don't really know what direction we're taking, we suddenly begin to have to grow up. I start 6th form in two weeks time, and I'm worried about ti. I'm worried about failure in all aspects of life and I'm scared. My fear is becoming rage, and I don't know what's happening to me right now. I feel like I'm living a big lie, I feel over emotional. Gone are the days of having fun. Suddenly everything is so daunting.

I'd give anything, and I mean anything, to be sitting with Shadow right here, right now and talking things through. Just to be comforted by the simple fact that I can enjoy life knowing that I have this amazing little pony by my side. No major issues, no major guidelines or deadlines. Just bumbling along at our own speed.

''Wasting talent''

I feel so many of us are under pressure to produce results, be the best and show something for our work. Whilst this is nice; sometimes it seems to have counter consequences- sometimes instead of driving people to strive for more, people begin to question whether or not they are talented or capable enough to unlock their horses potential.

I think if we have that sort of attitude, we then put ourselves in the frame of mind that we will never be adequate enough to produce any horses potential. Why do we feel like this? What is it that causes us to feel this way? Is it the militant youtube pages which seem to promote teens with these 'inspirational' stories of how they rose from rock bottom to the top with their horses, sometimes I wonder if they are using their description as a pair of rose tinted glasses to fool the many gullible followers; whilst it is admirable that they persevered etc; they also make some of us feel like we're incapable, if our horses or more so ourselves, struggle to 'produce' we have failed and wasted our horses talent. I feel this is unfair because does your horse really care whether or not he's got a bloody rosette attached to his bridle? Or whether he's the county champion or the trailblazer champion or whatever you want him to be? Does he? Or is it us who wants that? Like the pushy parent who thinks their child at the age of 2 wants to be a beauty queen and wear high heeled and more make up than Katie Price.


I think that this is so sad, that we feel inclined to behave in this way. Once we begin to pressure ourselves, we pressure our horses, sometimes this can have bad reactions- especially if we are struggling already. I know this full too well, when I expect too much and I push us both into overload when we both explode- whether it is through fear, anger, confusion or a combination of it all.

We want to enjoy our horses yes and we don't want to be unhappy in our lives, but equally we don't want to make ourselves feel inadequate and incapable because we aren't producing in the show ring- so what? Have something else to show- small achievements, small steps which all add up to make big steps, and a long lasting relationship with the most nobel, loyal and gifted animal ever to walk the planet. Accept his flaws, work on them and work on yours; accept that he may not be winning in all the comps or even going to any, but that he's the most wonderful thing you have encountered and you have him to yourself to enjoy and love.


Don't ever be made to feel little or that you need to give up. Be strong and take it slowly...


It's not the destination which counts; but the journey.

Respect... but do both sides play fairly?

Something which is constantly drummed into us by professionals is to have our horse's respect. If he barges- it's disrespect. If he stomps, it's disrespect, if he bites, it's disrespect.

I had an incident the other day where I caused my horse to get very cross with me and she reared up on me in protest. It was scary and I said 'No' but it wasn't until afterward that I thought what did the no achieve but WHY did she rear. Well thanks to some fantastic advice it became clear her rear was through her anger with me and she was simply telling me to be a little clearer and more consistent. It's made me think now about consistency and frustration and linked into these behaviours which so many of us call 'disrespect' and being rude. It strikes me though, the lack of education which horses are exposed to, everyone seems to assume horses know the rules and if they don't 'are reminded' but how many of us spend time on these crucial rules; if we put them in place, and we get them usually, should we punish on the one day they may forget the rules or tell us we're doing something wrong? No, we shouldn't. I don't think it's fair to reprimand them for it; instead we should be bettering ourselves and being self-critical; instead of blaming our other equine half. For example, I'm sick and tired of the prejudice that each breed suffers; ''Oh he's naughty because he's a stubborn cob. He bolts because he's a TB/Arab'' I can't help but think, STOP MAKING EXCUSES! We make so many excuses to push the blame away from us and it's not fair and it's not right. If your horse refuses a jump; don't smack him, perhaps consider you've unbalanced him? Or perhaps he doesn't want to jump?

I feel we are told we have to instill respect into our horses, well all animals in general- horses are strong and yes dangerous, but they don't want to hurt us, unless scared of course; they respond on instinct and they are horses at the end of the day; they need to express themselves, instead of suppressing them with straps and gadgets. We talk very much on them respecting us; but do we respect them? Do we respect their right to an opinion- the moment they tell us they aren't happy through an evasion, they will get strapped up, ignored or told off; we usually excuse ourselves from it too... oh he's had all the checks... must be being naughty. Or your instructor says it's not you... well okay I'm going to be naughty here and say 90% of instructors don't even know what they are looking at, just regurgitating the letters of the arena and some sequences to ride... hardly anything special, are they? Or they are blinded by their own ignorance and cease to see the error of the rider.


So I've got a right bee in my bonnet over this and think this subject shouldn't be taken lightly. I think it's about time we start showing them some respect; it's like some horses don't want to jump really; so stop making them? They don't like it, so stop doing it. Just as you wouldn't want to do a certain thing, nor do our horses; it's not the bee all and end all of life. Start understanding his feelings and life from his perspective. How would you feel, having someone get on your back, tell you do these things and then demand your respect; yet fail to show you some in return?

The Piebald Diaries- Summer 2011

Well this year has certainly turned out to be quite the opposite of what I'd planned, dreamed of and hoped; I sometimes ponder on whether things have worked out for the better; or whether I want things to go back to how it was.

Transport to see Shadow has always been the biggest barrier which has always been the biggest issue; but we coped, until we got the most unforeseeable news that our yard was closing down and we all had 3 months to find somewhere, this came as a blow and devastating as I wondered what the future would hold. To cut a long, and boring story short; Shadow got moved even further away from home and there was nothing I could seem to do; except offer to buy him which I can't afford. So I thought we'd cope, evidently we've struggled and I've only seen him 3 times since the beginning of June and to put it nicely; it's pretty shit.

Whilst I thought summer was over and I was pretty much horseless, something came along and certainly picked up the pieces... her name is B, and she's a wonderful, skewbald mare, who's also a baby, at just 4 years old. I was at first skeptical and wasn't sure whether or not I'd go through with it, but she's now been moved to the yard next to home and we're getting to know one another, my biggest problem is me at the moment; I think I've got so many emotions running high at the moment that I fail to see the bigger picture and appreciate how wonderful she really is. I compare her to Shadow and sometimes think she knows these things and then have to put myself back in line and tell myself to take it slowly, this isn't something which I've found easy and had to rely on some help from my friends on the clicker forum to guide me and advise me.


So I suppose life is turning out and taking a different route to what I anticipated. It's scary to think that in just over a month, I'll be in sixth form (hopefully!) doing my A-levels, my GCSE results are out in a month and I'm scared for that too. I hope that I can pull it off; we'll see. I'm wanting to make the most out of this summer, I'm 16 in just over a weeks time and I hopefully can get myself a job and earn some money. I'm scared though at what the future will hold :)


Something I've been learning, is that life is the most peculiar journey and most unpredictable thing; no matter how hard we plan and try to foresee, it doesn't always happen; the more we make plans and the more we 'prepare' ourselves for the future, the more likely we are to get hurt when it doesn't go quite so well. I'm not suggesting we 'never make plans' but I think it's dangerous to follow a set plan and do whatever we can to pursue it; sometimes it can lead to unhappiness and countering our gut instinct. Something about B made me want to follow it through and see her, and I must admit I adore her; Shadow is the most wonderful pony in the world for me and nothing will change that, but I have a new challenge and a new path which I've been put onto, I want to see the optimism in this and enjoy every second, as we never know what may be around the corner, and will spend the rest of our lives regretting it.

Happiness is the ability to look beyond the imperfections

I think this weekend, I was feeling a little bit humbled but equally perhaps a little envious of my friend. I spent the day at her lovely small yard, with a school, stable, tying area and it all being compact and it was so so nice and I really envied that she sees her horse every single day.

I don't get to see Shadow that often and my parents are one minute fine about the yard and then the next pestering me about the distance and I feel shit because I feel that Shadow would be better off with someone more competent as a trainer, rider and horsewoman(or man) and can give him the consistency that would benefit him. Perhaps I'm being selfish, but I suppose you have to look at the benefits. I've been given this wonderful opportunity to care for a pony and he ensures his trust in me, and I feel that although our time together isn't as long as some, it's even more special.

I sometimes feel with the clicker training that I go two steps forward and another back, we make progress but ever so slowly, because of the lack of consistency and my lack of competency as a trainer, it sometimes is really demoralizing, considering I showed my friend what to do yesterday and already she is souring away, and already had great success with it. It's really good to see, because it's another horse and human who can finally have a great training regime, but it sometimes hurts, because you feel overshadowed a little.

But then you have to smile and remember that not everything in life is perfect. We all have these things we desire, that we forget about the things we currently have. I feel my relationship with my pony gets stronger ever moment together, and obviously I wish we were closer together, but unfortunately life isn't so straight forward, I could wish for so much more, but what I have is a wonderful pony who makes me happy :)



I need to sit down and really work out a training plan that works with our time frame, our ability and able to keep consistency, I've recently began breaking our day into three digestible chunks, of a morning clicker session, an afternoon one and a later afternoon one, with two hour breaks in between, so over a period of two days, it makes 5-6 short sessions.

“Some pursue happiness - others create it.”

I will try and keep up with my blog, I've been busy with the website, school work and busy with horses, so not really had time to dedicate to this!

Happy April, Spring is finally here and last night it was my first chance to sit in my garden, reading my book under the Magnolia tree. It was bliss.

Unfortunately, this weekend I didn't get much down time with Shadow. He's in the middle of losing his winter coat, as was Cassie, Luca and Lacey and so they were all absolutely shredding it like there was no tomorrow, it felt like winter again because of the sheer mass of white hair on the floor! I do like getting it off, it's a weird habit which keeps me remotely sane whilst questioning my own sanity from the perspective of someone who is looking in!

It also bought back some traumatic memories for Shadow. Last August we had a yard fire, and fortunately none of the animals were hurt, but our stables caught light in the middle of the night. Shadow was really unsettled by this and it was spent a few days being quite uneasy. Someone in the houses behind the woods obviously had a bonfire, and Shadow could see all the smoke and as I got him out the field, he reared and tanked off with me, he was snorting and breathing heavily, but he calmed down and settled into his new field nicely at the prospect of the lush Spring grass emerging, so was rather obliging!

I've not really clickered him much, I suppose we've been on a break from all intense thinking. He's been a star recently, he's been going out for hacks and particularly the one where I took him out for a good hour, it may not seem a lot, but for his maturing brain and body, it is still quite a task, with lots to think about and absorb, I don't want to overdo it. Also, I enjoy just unwinding in the field and really just laying back and relaxing. Although over Easter I plan to re-teach some old behaviours, which I feel will rust over if I don't consistently work on them. So I've got to bear that in mind before totally enjoying our break.

I'm hoping the weather improves so I can bath them! Shadow has a lot of dirt in his coat still from winter, and no matter how much I brush it, it needs washing out. I miss my clean pony! He was so clean last Summer.

Hoping to take Shadow out again over Easter, up to Shorne and perhaps he'll have his first canter, although I plan to do it in the school on the lunge first. There is no rush, patience is a virtue.


I think that I've learnt that no matter how hard you look for happiness, the less likely you are to find it, because you're looking too far away, because the real source of happiness is right there in front of you.

My pony means the world to me, he really does. He may not be aesthetically beautiful and ideal as some people expect or he may not be from a top bloodline. I may not be your next aspiring competition rider, nor do I ever aspire to be that, but what he gives me is so much more. Simplicity, Friendship and Understanding. Why would anyone ever disrespect something so compliant, so respectful and trusting. Why do people wonder why usually a human friendship with an animal is a lot stronger than that between two humans? There is no hang ups, no bitchiness and no dispute. It's subtle communication between two souls, and through simplicity, we have happiness.

Life lessons from the Piebald Pony

I've officially had Shadow for a year, I'm feeling slightly humbled today, still reminiscing over the other weekends fantastic result, and looking forward to this weekend; when the sun will be out and I can enjoy my pony.
I'm not musically gifted; I can play a few notes on the piano, and I can't sing to save my life; but I wanted to create something to represent this year; so I decided I'd write a little poem of some sort. I've been studying so many variations of poetry at school recently, that I now know that it doesn't always have to rhyme! So enjoy; it's not perfect, but I'm going to try and put my humbleness and happiness into words!


 ''A black and white mane, that falls into place,
sticking up, all parted, partially covering a face
 with youthful eyes, which ooze years of wisdom
ears shaped from the stories he's told
a soft gentle muzzle, acknowledging his understanding
small little teeth, and a bright white blob
a pathway to his mind, full on purity and love
willingness and forgiveness,
his trust is mine
the piebald pony, and I.



I love my horse so much.

My beautiful pony!

I had another beautiful day with Shadow and definitely going to be beaming ALL week....!

I woke up early because it was so beautiful today and sunny and got to the yard early to get all the chores done ( was my shift, so needed to do make morning feeds, get all bowls, clean waters, bowls and check fields etc) which takes the good part of an hour, so wanted to get that done early so I could poo pick then spend quality Shadow time!

When I arrived, Shadow was by the fence and he looked quite sleepy! As I've been neglecting him recently, I thought I'd make it up to him by itching his FAVOURITE spot, between his legs- he goes crazy for it and loves it!





Some of the younger girls at my yard have perhaps mocked me when they've seen my bum bag and actually said to me today about whether I should be doing that and said to others about the treats I give Shadow ( even though they told the girls that I clicker train) anyway, I had Shadow in today and they had their horses in. The first thing I was really proud of, was last time I had Shadow in with them, back in Summer when we first began clicker, he broke the fence- he didn't have a haynet and he flipped out. They got cross and said he was really naughty etc, which is when we began working properly on standing still! I used to NEVER be able to groom him without him fidgeting or moving or wanting to eat the brush.

Well today, he had no haynet ( the other horses did) I know it sounds perhaps unfair, but we don't have much hay at the mo as we're waiting for the delivery and the last hay we had was going out for them tonight, plus it was a good test too. He stood perfectly, he did move everynow and then which of course is fine, but no fidgeting or creating that the horses opposite him had hay- he didn't kick about with his feet or legs and I was quite proudAnyway; after they'd been saying about clicker, I perhaps had a bit of a n egotistic moment and decided to show off... I wasn't going to let it get the better of me, just wanted to subtley prove a point. So I got on my bumbag and saw them snigger and undid the lead rope and walked back, telling Shadow to wait, then said ''Come here'' and he came, C/T, and he went over all the things we've been taught- not so much intentionally but to avoid standing on things- so to stop going on the log and slipping, I said ''Over'' and he did it and then ''Back'' and ''Stand'' and then perhaps Shadow really proved how smart he is LOL! He went to eat the grass and I said ''Ah no'', he bought his head up and got a good boy and treat, and so he put his head half way down towards the grass and stopped, I stupidly repeated again ''Ah no'' and it wasn't until about the 7th ''Ah no'' that I realised Shadow wasn't going to eat the grass, because he was waiting! Clever boy! He got bored of that after a while as I think it gave him neck ache, but I did chuckle

The best bit though was seeing the girls, they were watching ( or pretending to not watch ) and as I went to put Shadow back out; one of them asked ''Could you tell me a little more about clicker, as I think it'd be helpful''

Result

Played with Shadow in the field and waited for his owner to get down as we planned on going for a short ride up to the woods with Cassie, Luca and Lacey ( field mates), Cassie is a baby and we take her out for little walks, I've never met a horse quite so laid back as her, she really is the sweetest natured and most relaxed, nothing bothers her. Luca and Lacey came out too. Shadow decided to take the lead to begin with, and wanted to go in front. Although it was good that he was excited and not holding back despite that there was the motorway and lots of noise and birds etc and in the woods, it was something which I needed to work on, is getting him more responsive to my seat. Shortly after getting through the first bit of the woods, he seemed to relax more and then we had my least favourite bit- the horse crossing. He went behind the lead horse, and waited patiently for the lights to change. To get into the car park of the woods, you have to walk over this step over bit, and in it was a bit of mud and a puddle. Lacey went over and Luca was in front and is scared of it, Shadow had been waiting and then suddenly decided enough was enough and stormed through and barged his way through. I said ''Ah ah!'' and asked him to stand and waited for the other two. Walked through the car park when Shadow caught sight of a dog. Shadow has never had a negative experience with a dog before, and we have dogs at our yard and he isn't phased by most things, but really hates dogs. This family were actually quite a pain because they moaned about the horses ( despite we were on the horse path and it isn't meant for dog walkers and they were on the wrong trail) and let their dog off the lead and thought it started barking as we were going past the narrow step over, where there are ponds either side with deep water. Shadow freaked and bolted forward and instead of going over the step over, took me through very thick branches- my face is covered in scratches as well as my body, it hurt like hell and if I'd let go ( I was holding on the side and fortunately said to Shadow to move over) I would of fallen in the pond or rolled off into it. It was a close call and I got off Shad who was actually shaking a bit and asked Kelly to hold him and I did tell the dog owners to be more considerate and go on the other path and pointed out that they were on the wrong trail. They got all cross with me, and as I was walking, they thought it'd be hilarious to scare Shadow ( who they could see at this point was scared, PLUS I had a young horse tabard on) and threw a squeaky toy for there dog at Shadow. He got scared again, I calmed him down, gave him to Kelly and really shouted at them. I was fuming at this point and at their inconsideration. They thought they were pretty funny, and I told them to grow up because their behaviour could kill someone or a horse, or their children. That definitely shut them up and then they went the other way.

Walked for a bit more and then got back on and went back over to the narrow bit and went through nicelyShadow was relaxed on the way home and so chilled. He really enjoys going out and I hope that minor incident hasn't put him off totally, although I doubt it has as there was dogs back at the yard and he was fine. I was really glad I bought my clicker with me, as it helped to reward him for being so well behaved and he was so happy as was I. Well I felt he was happy, when he's cross or distressed, he won't move and is very reserved, he is tense and tries to bite things. He was so relaxed and forward goingI love him lots!









More images






The typical ''Gimme clicker or I eat you'' situation


''Cos I love ya''.

Just to confirm I'm not dead...but lost in my own little world!

I've not written and I'm sure my HUGE amount of followers have wondered where I've disappeared too. I've missed writing my feelings down this past month as I've literally had no time to do so; for numerous reasons!

1) I've basically lost my laptop to the new 'Club Penguin' phase which my younger brother and sister are crazy about and they fight over it, so for a quiet life, they get my laptop and they won't budge off it, but honestly I have enjoyed spending time doing other things.
2) It's pretty much down hill at school; all my exams, coursework is suddenly picking up the pace- I've got a huge business assignment to do; with a three hour follow up exam on the assignment- I've had Geography, Physics, Spanish exams scattered, lots of English work- we're doing the Literature course now; so it means lots of novels and poems to begin to analyse and depict- so we've got lots of work to fit it all in; plus I've got two years worth of Maths to learn because I'm rubbish at it! I've been busy and for once in my life have been DOING homework when set ( well for most of my subjects...)!
3) Exams and homework has meant little Shadow and clicker time; each time I've spent with him this year has been busy- so little time with him doing clicker. This will change this week- I can assure you now!


I've really began to pick up the pace in my other passion outside of horses; Spanish. I love languages and I study it at school- but I have a particular affection for the language. I love the Hispanic people- their togetherness; their optimism; their culture; their spirit; their horses... and I love their language too! It's so much fun being able to speak in another language; I always feel good when I can understand things and break text down; so I've been inclined to be rather 'sad' and have been watching 'The Simpsons' and 'The Rugrats' in Spanish...it's pretty fast for me; but it's progress nevertheless! I've bought two books; 'Easy Spanish Reader' which is pretty straight forward and gets more harder as you go through; which I've had little struggle with so far and then 'Read and Think Spanish' which is a book with a culmination of articles- in Spanish; about Latin America and Spain- traditions; culture, food, people, tourism, cinema/literature; travel; geography; history and music; that is still quite advanced but it has lots of useful vocab and more complex sentence structures!

I did a listening paper ( the new specimen ones which are always a bit shoddy) and didn't do as well as I'd hoped- I reckon I'd have hit a B grade on it; which I know isn't TERRIBLE- but I'm aiming for A*! I tried to not be disheartened- in the sense I've not revised at all; I've only really began the course last September ( 2010) and so I've done no practice papers before; so I suppose that's not too bad going! Definitely room for improvement though, so my room has been decorated with sticky notes!


I had a good day today, I went to the GCSE Poetry Live convention in London's 'We Will Rock You!' theatre, and although one or two of the poets were a little dull for me; overall they were really inspirational. Simon Armitage was funny and I really enjoyed what Gillian Clarke had to say; she made some really important points and things which makes you just think for a while; she moved me in one of her poems too. I think overall, John Agard just pipped Gillian to the post- I loved him, definitely saved the best to last. When I did the language course; his poem 'Half-Caste' was really enjoyable and he made so many important points about racial discrimination but how the term 'half-caste' is one of quite an offensive nature- it was great to hear him read it how it is MEANT to be read and although I don't need to study it anymore; it's such a great poem to listen to. He also said something which may possibly stick with me for the rest of my life;

''There are only 26 letters in the alphabet- but if you put the words in the right order, you can make something beautiful''

I think for any writer, aspiring writer or someone ( like me) who just enjoys writing or reading, it really is a wonderful quote. Language is a beautiful thing. It really is; and I feel that poetry is one form of expressing yourself- I'm no poet, but I like writing because I can express myself; far better than talking.

I noticed this with the poets too; there were some ( John and Simon for example), who were in fact quite 'interesting' speakers- their voices varied in pitch and so did their accents, but others had slightly monotonous tones but their poetry was moving and had such a deeper meaning if you see beyond the metaphors and anecdotes for what they are really trying to portray to the reader.

I wanted to end my post with Gillian Clarke's poem; 'The Field-Mouse'

he Field Mouse

Summer, and the long grass is a snare drum.The air hums with jets.Down at the end of the meadow,far from the radio's terrible news,we cut the hay. All afternoonits wave breaks before the tractor blade.Over the hedge our neighbour travels his fieldin a cloud of lime, drifting our landwith a chance gift of sweetness.

The child comes running through the killed flowers,his hands a nest of quivering mouse,its black eyes two sparks burning.We know it will die and ought to finish it off.It curls in agony big as itselfand the star goes out in its eye.Summer in Europe, the field's hurt,and the children kneel in long grassstaring at what we have crushed.

Before day's done the field lies bleeding,the dusk garden inhabited by the saved, voles,frogs, and nest of mice. The wrong that wokefrom a rumour of pain won't heal,and we can't face the newspapers.All night I dream the children dance in grasstheir bones brittle as mouse-ribs, the airstammering with gunfire, my neighbour turnedstranger, wounding my land with stones.

“When I am gone, remember me with smiles and laughter, as that is how I will remember you. But if you should remember me with tears and sorrow, I may not remember you at all.”

Sorry I've not been on here much, as I've been so busy at present. 

The inevitable happened yesterday; I suppose I've been trying to brace myself for a few months now, but I lost my dog. He was 15, thought he was 2 and my best friend. We grew up together from Day 1. 

Yesterday I was devastated, I just cried and cried for him and today I cried too. But I suppose I've been optimistically thinking about it. He was old, in pain and he struggled to hold himself up sometimes, he had toilet issues and it was better to do it now, before he got worse. But I wish he hadn't been taken away from me. 

Our last moments together were so special. He layed next to me and we had the biggest cuddle, I didn't care whether my school coat smelt of dog, or whether I'd get in trouble for it. I knew that our moments together were far and few, but I didn't expect that when I went, it'd be the last time I'd see him. I'm just glad that I had such a lovely cuddle with him before it happened. 

Writing this had made me cry again and I've tried to not cry- but everytime I think of a happy memory, it makes me sad again. My emotions are fluctuating like a rollercoaster, one minute I'm okay, and then the next I  just want to bury myself in a hole. 

Life can be so cruel and sometimes I wonder why we're all here? We all end up 6 feet under and when we do, it causes sorrow and tears. But it's good to grieve for those we've lost, crying is a funny thing and emotion. Perhaps tears represent our saddness leaving our body, as we remember beautiful memories. Some of us don't cry, some of us just sit there in silence. Silence can be good too. Silence can be comforting as well as awkward. 

I'm not really sure what to conclude today; I just wanted  to write something and suffice to have any form of conclusion really. 

it's the little things!

The sun was shining and it was tropically hot ( 10 degrees!), no wind and it had been raining but no more ice

I've been reading Ben Hart's ebook on shaping plans so have been structuring a 'SMART' goal and target. My SMART target is 'to be able to mount Shadow from a mounting block or from the ground, at home or outside of the yard'.

I've not had Shadow in from the field really for a few weeks due to snow, ice hazard and illness, so I've only really flicked him off and picked his feet out. Today I decided I'd get him in before we did some clicker, to pamper him.

On our way in from the field, Shadow suddenly pricks his ears, starts breathing heavier and stopped in his tracks. I had a look round and told him he was a good boy and then realised that by one of the fields, was a hay bale covered in one of those yellow tarp covers. There are quite a lot of puddles at the yard where it's been raining/snow and ice has melted, and the next thing, he took a step backwards and soaked me as he legged it. When he stopped, I walked up to him and slowly told him he was a good boy. I unclipped his leadrope ( in case he did run off again, I didn't want him tripping) and left him there and I walked up to the hay covers. I stood and started touching it and then walking past it. Shadow watched me and the look on his face. I called his name and he slowly started walking over. I know it sounds silly but it was that sort of moment where I felt he trusted me, because he was coming up to me, he came over and we had a sniff off the cover, I told him he was a good boy and I was kicking myself for not having my clicker- fortunately, he finds strokes rewarding- so got lots of that... and we walked back to the tying rings and he got a nice groom.


Started clicker training and our first session was with recapping ground-tying. It appears I've conditioned him to my hand cue, but not to my voice cue- and I feel that my voice will be more effective when it comes to the likes of mounting. So today was conditioning Shadow to the word ''stand''.

We had a bit of an issue with my lack of organisation- I had removed his haynet and put it over the middle of the rings so he couldn't get it....stooopid Amy! We had some nice work and then suddenly he caught sight of the hay net and that became more interesting than the clicker training. So; I remembered something Jeanette said to me the other day about 'cueing' head up and when they can eat. I will admit I did find this hard because Shadow obviously found the hay a lot more rewarding, but I did manage to encourage his head up and remove the haynet before any further hay net issues arose!

Finished on a good note and I left him with his haynet whilst I had a quick bite to eat and went for a wee. Came back and groomed him again for a little bit more and then forgot to remove the haynet- surprisingly, Shadow actually didn't seem to be bothered. We had a cracking session and I'm gutted my camera had died ( always the way) so I hadn't the chance to film it at all. We achieved our first 5 steps of the shaping plan. Which was how I had planned to end the day. He is now conditioned to the word stand and let me walk away, he stood for over 10 seconds required without me using my hand up to ask him to stand, only my voice. So I felt this was a perfect place to end and I jackpotted him and left it at that. Let him finish his hay and then was going to take him back to the field and poo pick...

We've had this issue in the past, and I will be honest, am not sure how to solve it really. Shadow leads in from the field like a dream, but 90% of the time, will plant himself and won't lead back to the field. I tried tickling his sides, I tried removing the haynet totally, letting him finish his haynet, but 10 minutes in, we hadn't got no where.

So I made a makeshift 'target'. I got a short crop, a glove and elastic band and created a rather strange looking target. Shadow clearly liked the look of it and I was getting him to bump it. It certainly got him moving- however; this is where our problem was. He became a little bit aggressive with it. He wanted to touch it the whole time, and would run at me if I was holding it, he would snap at it and then started trotting all over the place. I will say, it did actually scare me quite a bit so I'm sure this impaired my focus. But now I've gotten home and reflected on it, is it because he's still not totally conditioned enough? I always have used the 'touch it' cue, but perhaps he's not yet conditioned to it? How can I extinguish this frustration and how can I overcome the leading issue? Is there an exercise I can do in the field or during his time in ( he's fine to lead in) which will benefit leading back to the field at all? Any tips would be greatly appreciated or any ideas as to why this is, would be even better.

The next thing Shadow did was so silly and to most people such a silly thing for me to get excited and happy about... but it's me so I don't care ! I was poo picking and Shadow was following me around and he stopped and was just staring at the trees. Anyway, I said 'What's up Shad's', he turned his bum to the poop scoop and pooed in it. Now, it must be something in the air ( i.e Star cueing herself), but what a clever pony and also VERY helpful! He stayed with me for a bit and then got a bit bored and started grazing
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“Those who danced were thought to be quite insane by those who could not hear the music.”

What is this new leaf I'm turning over in my life!? 


I feel I've been a nicer person, but more importantly, I've been trying to achieve some of my goals. 
One of my life goals, is to learn the piano. I love piano pieces and I would kill for a piano at home; my friend at school is very good on the piano and we've been practicing at lunch times with it; doing one of my favorite songs ''Always Attract'' by You Me at Six. Okay; so I'm still getting to grip with the keys but I can play D G G D G F+ D G G D G so far... so I know where D and G are for sure ;)! I have managed to get a little quicker on the piano, but I don't expect miracles- but I didn't give up. So for me, that's progress. To stop throwing in the towel if I can't do something. Hopefully by putting perseverance into practice on an instrument, it will spare Shadow having to deal with me trying to find myself a little bit more! 




Am nervous as I get my English Literature ( final ) results next Thursday! So am feeling slightly nervous! I felt the exams went okay, but I am keeping a level head over it ( more so as I don't want to upset Karma or tempt fate...!)


It's nearly the weekend and I've got my shaping plan at the ready! Our 'SMART' goal is too; 
'Stand still when being mounted- either on the ground or from a mounting block- at home or outside of the yard'. 


A SMART goal is creating a shaping plan using the following steps; 
Specific- the goal must be accurate and allow us to identify clearly all the elements of the final goal.
Measurable- If we can measure the outcome of the goal, we will assess whether we have completed the goal.
Attractive- We are unlikely to be motivated at working towards a goal which is 'unattractive'. Consider the benefits and the consequences of the goal.
Realistic- Our goals should be realistic enough for our horses to achieve them.
Time-bound - A realistic time scale for successful completion of the goal. 


Shaping plans have always been my downfall, so hopefully these can help me re-organise things and we can get back on track! 




I feel our goal is realistic enough. We're still needing to refresh the use of the cue in ground-tying ( my voice is still not the reinforcing cue), so I need to condition him to my voice cue- once this is in state, we can then continue working toward our goal. 


The time frame for the goal is to have it completed by February 28th 2011. I feel this gives us enough time, weather and time permitting to spend enough time on it. I'm not totally set on the goal, as I can't predict how long it will take, but this is my rough estimated time of completion! 

‎''The past is a ghost, the future a dream, and all we ever have is now.”

I love quotes a wee bit too much; but I don't care 'cos they provide me with philosophical meaning at the best and worst of times, when all else is at loss.

I've been reading Ben Hart's e-book's and re-reading his one on shaping plan, I bought myself a pretty little notebook and it's now my 'shaping' book. I enjoyed reading how he highlights the importance of creating a shaping plan- I'm guilty of never really planning it and doing it in my head- and it makes me a prime candidate for falling into the category of forgetting stages- particularly crucial ones and missing things out- as well as not being able to write it down, log it and record progress. ( I'm quite a forgetful person as it is naturally!).

When I create shaping plans, I am in essence planning my future- but whilst I'm a huge advocate of living in the present moment, and living each day as it comes, I'm also contradicting my beliefs- I spend a lot of time dwelling on my past- not so much any more, but every now and then, I reflect upon my past. I think this is both good and bad. Bad because it impairs my appreciate for the present moment, but it is good because I can highlight where I went wrong, I can make sure I don't make those same mistakes again and find my way.

I look at my future and tend to worry about it too much sometimes- it's a habit I wish I didn't possess- I like to ponder on my future and help create a strategy to work towards my goals- but I don't wish to spend all my time planning for next year- when I have now to focus on and create.

Hopefully, by becoming a lot more organised ( another resolution of mine!) I can begin to develop our work a lot more, so it has more structure, consistency and we can track our work a lot more efficiently!

Sometimes one could say that spending all the time on the ground, not getting up and going riding is tedious but to me, it isn't that any more- I'm having so much fun planning things out and not really knowing where life is going to take us.

So here's to living for the moment!

Another year bites the dust...

It was a little weird last night; as we watched the countdown on BBC as we watched the last minute of 2010. 

I usually don't see the big deal made over New Year's- another year which never seems any different, but as I watched this countdown- it felt really weird. It felt like I was leaving things behind in 2010 and ready for whatever is lying ahead for me and Shadow this year. 

But anyway; one of my New Year's Resolutions was to be nicer to people and I woke up feeling happy. I felt happy last night too. I'm not usually very good with children younger than me ( and they don't tend to like me- babies cry, kids kick me). But I felt nice- I made the baby smile and it was a first. It made ME smile too, I wanted to sit and play with the baby, which is unusual for me. So; perhaps I'm turning over a new leaf?!

I was nice this morning too, to someone who I used to totally clash with, but now I've realized what a hard time she must be going through and need to drop my grudges and my defences. 

I can't wait to continue with Shadow and see where this year brings us. I can't wait to find out what this year will lead too. A lot of people said they had a crap 2010 and I know a few people did; but so many people moan about how bad it was. But was it really? Why aren't people grateful and happy enough? Life could be so much worse for us and we have to keep optimistic and happy about the things we DO have- not the things we DON'T have. 

So; here's to another good year!